The Authentic Eclectic

If This is Love, Then Why Am I Lying in A Prairie of Dead Flowers?

Trading a deformed love for an authentic love

Carly Newberg
3 min readFeb 25, 2022

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A dead flower hanging on a stem, Carly Newberg, Medium
Photo by Ed Leszczynskl on Unsplash

Is this love, sitting on the river in a canyon of blue and orange on a hot summer day?

Is this love, small synchronicities we are convinced got us here…to this very moment?

You pick me up at noon and invite me to meet your family; I lose all sense of the present and drift into a future of what could be.

Is this love? Oh, this feeling I hope lasts forever.

Committed now, I overlook broken values to salvage our love — this love.

You make me feel worth it, so I believe this is all worth it.

Even your dark spots appear bright to me.

But is this love? Lonely and confused in my thoughts because the promises you made and the things you do, don’t line up.

Is this love, being attacked with violent words you can never take back?

If love is a battlefield, then I’m lying half-dead while you crown yourself in victory.

It’s hot down here in these flames.

Is this love though? When you lift my body to a place of comfort and tell me you are sorry.

This is love, I tell myself; Not always easy, but sacrificial and forgiving.

Oh, this love…it’s an addicting touch to make all stress disappear. The gift of giving. The largest money tree — the best kind of richness.

But if this is love, why are you taking my share of the profit? I worked for this too.

Is this love, the smell of alcohol cascading from your lips and down my pants?

Do you love me when you ignore the pains of my childhood and aim to erase them with jabs masked as chivalry?

Right when my wounds start to heal, you pull the knife from my stomach once again. I’m bleeding out, but you say this is love…you love me.

Like the flowers I picked as a child: “he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me,” I always find a way to make it end with love.

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Carly Newberg

Yoga instructor / freelancer / mental health advocate writing boldly & bravely about relatable life experiences. I’m done staying silent.