Member-only story
To All My Friends
I’ve always craved a friendship where the two people involved are inseparable. I’ve craved random calls being asked, “Do you want to come over and watch a movie?” To have a friend who refers to me as their “ride or die,” or who thinks of me when they make plans and includes me in those plans, succeeds any shallow connection in my mind.
I just want connection. Is that too much to ask?
I want to feel thought of, acknowledged, and cared for by my friends but right now, I feel lonely; I feel my ask is too burdensome for those in my life.
It seems all my friends have already established their cliques — their ride or dies — and I’m on the outside of the circle, looking in. I’m envious…angry at times.
The natural response to my envy and anger has always been to turn it on myself thinking, There is something wrong with me. I am not likable, or even lovable for that matter.
My inner child shouts, Run! Leave them before they leave you. But I don’t want to run — I want to be understood.
I want my friends to understand I’m more sensitive than I let on. My conditioning, trauma, and eating disorder journey caused me to live in a state of survival for too long. Possessing more masculinity than femininity, I lost touch with my intuition…with my softness.
